Just Another Sunset

So, this is my second entry for the night, again, sue me. I've got a lot on my mind tonight.

 

So, after I finished my entry about "I love you", I began to think about something else. The one thing people think we don't have enough of(and in all honesty, we don't really.). What might that be? Time. In my opinion, time is the most complex thing about our world. Like the title says, in a moment, everything can change. You know how one week just seems like one day? Or a week feels like several? And then a month can feel like several, or a year even. And then there are times where a year feels like it's only been a day, or whatever the case may be. An hour can feel like a minute, a minute can feel like eternity. Time plays its little tricks on everyone, it seems.

To me, at least, it feels like it. It honestly doesn't feel like I've only been on this Earth for sixteen years. It doesn't feel like my grandmother's been dead for almost seven years, and it doesn't feel like my grandfather's been gone as long as he has. I can tell you right now, when I was in Atlanta, it felt like we'd been there for a year. I remember that night where everything started to change for me, those moments in that bedroom felt like hours, and then the next day..well, lets just say I can't believe everything(and I do mean everything) changed in less than 24 hours. From the moment of the first kiss, to the moment of the last, it felt like it'd been longer than 24 hours. When, in fact, it'd been less than 24 hours. This week has felt like it's been five. I'm sure the next few days will seem longer too. However, that is not the point of this entry.

I guess the point is, isn't it amazing how everything can change just so fast? One day, you wake up..and you're this person. And then you go through something, or experience something, and then you wake up a different person the next day. It just amazes me how quickly things can change. One decision. One kiss. One touch. One Mistake. Everything can change in just a matter of seconds. In an instant, the life you used to know could be gone. I don't know about you, but I do know that scares me. For someone that's been through a lot of change over the years, change still scares me a little bit. Why? Why do we, as humans, sometimes get scared of change? Maybe it's just because we become too comfortable with how things are, or maybe it's just that we don't want to try anything new? We think, "Oh, things are fine as they are, why screw it up?"

I know, change can be good, but it can be bad also. In just a single moment, you could lose someone you love, or you could even lose your own life. Like that teenager who lost his life at Six Flags over Georgia. I bet you, he thought he'd live after that day, and never expected to die. I mean, a meteor could crash into the Earth and kill us all, for CHRIST's sake. We don't know what's going to happen, and there's a lot of us who waste their life being too scared of change to experience anything that could really have an effect on you. I took a chance in Georgia, I took a big one. I made a decision that will have an effect on me for the rest of my life, and I can tell you right now, I don't regret it. I wanted it. I'm learning from the decision I made, and I don't regret ever making it.

I'm living my life, and I'm taking a lot more chances from now on. I can't just live my life for everyone else anymore, I can't try pleasing everyone. This is my life, and I'm the one who has to watch it when I die..I'm going to make it worth watching. Humans make mistakes, but it's important that you learn from them(which is what I do.). I'm sorry to those of you who expect me to be perfect. I'm far from perfect, and I'm not going to try to be perfect. If you can't love me for me--that's including the flaws and all the mistakes I make--then you don't deserve to have me in your life, at all. Life's just too short, and time's just..too precious to waste.

 

In a second, a new life can come into this world. In a minute, a life can be taken away. In a matter of 24 hours, a person can change. With just one decision, your life can change(for good or bad). With just one kiss, you could end up making a decision you're not going to be able to change later. This is your life. Live it as if you're going to die the next day.Stop worrying about the past, it's the past for a reason. Don't live your life for anyone else but you. You're the one who has to deal with the consequences for your actions, and you're the one who's going to end up thinking "what if" about anything you did or didn't do. Don't make decisions for yourself based off of others. Live your life for you.  That's really all I can tell you to do.  Get out there, and live.

 

My Beautiful Niece



The girls

I'm back from Atlanta. I guess you could very well say that I went down there as one person, and came back someone else. I don't really know what to say, but Atlanta was most deffinately a life changing experience for me. I won't get into full details, though. Lets see, the first day we went down there we went to the Braves vs. Brewers game. That was a BLAST. It was like my first baseball game in a while, and I had fun. That night my roommates, a few of the guys, and I played Wii(even if I did end up passing out way earlier than everyone else).

The next morning we went to Six Flags, and we stayed there until like six p.m. It was fun, and I even rode a few roller coasters! I don't know how many people know this, but I have this really bad fear of heights. So, getting on the roller coasters was a very big thing for me. Thursday, the day after Six Flags, we went to the World of Coca-Cola and the Aquarium. Both were fun, but that day I just wanted to chill mainly. It was pretty cool though. Friday, my partner and I had our competition at 7:15 am, however, we both ended up waking up at 7:40am. So, I don't know how many people know this, but if you wake up late--you're disqualified from the competition. It was completely accidental, no phones went off, and the wake up call didn't get through.

It wasn't anyone's fault, but it was still a dissapointment anyway. Oh well though, right? Everything happens for a reason, including that. That day was pretty relaxed, and okay in the end. Saturday was pretty relaxed too, I ended up sleeping until about 11am. Oh, and everyone thought I was either high or drunk(haha, me? no. i don't get high, and if I ever got/get drunk, it's not going to be infront of certain people. I can say though that I might've been high off of caffiene, but that's like..it). And, here is where accidents happen, right? Lets just leave it at between Saturday night, and Sunday afternoon, I did something I shouldn't have been doing on a school trip. It was completely stupid of me, and I must say that I regret ever doing it on a school trip.

Well, that night the other person and myself got caught(another stupid mistake), and when I got caught and they wanted to go through my phone, I ran out of the room and down the stairs. Yes, I know, I don't really think things through. I just go with what feels right. So, my parents got down in Atlanta about 3:30am, and we got home about 7am. Needless to say, I will not have my phone for a few weeks..and this coming Monday I have to go before the school board to see if I'm either a)expelled, b)suspeneded, c)going to the alternative learning center, or d)put on probation. I honestly hope it's either d or b, but I really want it to be d.

There's nothing on my record that could help with expellion, so I'm praying that I don't get expelled. I talked to my sister, Heather, about it all..and she's been there for me since I told her. She didn't seem too mad, and I'm very thankful for that. I havn't been able to get into contact with my brother yet, and when I told my best friend, Ashley..she was a little mad. She told me she was mad at me for doing it on a school trip, but she was happy that I didn't honestly regret it(now do not take this the wrong way, please. I regret doing it on a school trip, getting caught, getting into trouble, bringing other people into this, lieing to people, and hurting anyone that I may have hurt. As far as what I did goes, I can't say that I fully regret doing it..it was just the wrong place and the wrong time.).

 

I do believe that I have lost a few friendships from what I did, and if that is completely true, then I will be sorry to see those people walk away.I know I might've hurt them, and I know I wasn't exactly myself on the trip, and I am sorry. It's not much, but it's all I can offer at the moment.

 

So, I'm nervous about going before the school board on Monday. I'm nervous about the outcome and everything. But I guess it's that whole thing about "time will only tell". It sucks, majorly.

Good Morning! Shelby here. Of course, you already knew that. Anyways, I'm sorry I havn't kept this thing updated, that's changing again though. Again, I apologize. I just looked and I havn't updated this thing since like September. 

Nothing's really going on right now, I'm just trying to get everything ready for Atlanta. I leave in like four days, and it seems like its such a long time away. I'm nervous, I'm not used to going places and competing against a lot of people. So, for those of you who don't know, I'm going to Atlanta for the Future Business Leaders of America's (FBLA) Nationals Competition.  I'm competing in the Business Management Decision Making event with my partner, LeAnne. (Partner=Friend. Not the other way around. I'm too boy crazy for that, lol). I'm going to be in Atlanta for like a week, but I promise to have pictures when I get back. 

So last night I was really tired. I've been tired a lot lately, but I guess that's just some of the summer things, right? I don't know. I really wanted to talk to my brother last night, but I never got around to calling him. I might try to call him tonight, dunno yet. For those of you who don't know--I've got an older brother named Tory(I'm literatly half his age.), an older sister named Heather(we're 10 years apart), and a younger sister named Stephanie. I've got a sister in-law named Darsha (She and I are 16 years apart), and a future brother in-law named Chris. I've also got six nieces and nephews, with another niece or nephew on the way. By the way, I love kids, and my nieces&nephews are everything to me, even if I havn't met them yet. 


Umm, I'm also thinking about starting a new roleplay site, but that won't be until I get back from Atlanta. I'm still trying to think about a plot and etc., just something to keep me busy when I have too much time on my hands (see, that's the downfall about not having a car yet. No car=you're stuck in the house 24/7). I'll think of something for it eventually. 


I'm looking for some new bands to listen to, but I can't really seem to find any. I've found a few the past three weeks--ie: Sequoyah Prep School and One Less Reason. Any suggestions? 

 So..today hasn't...been exactly the best. I should've listened to my friends on some things..but..I didn't. I found out alot of things the hardway. 

Everythings just..hurting me. I think myself is causing most of the pain..and I don't like that one  bit. I'm normally the strong one..you know? The one who doesn't break down..and just keeps going strong..and I hate it..because with the past few months...I just can't not break down. 

I've like..changed the past few months..and it scares me with how everything is different from last year and all. I'm just..scared..and I'm hurt. 

There's this guy..and he's hurt me like so many times..and it's not even funny..because I went back to him..when I should've listened to my friends and I should've stayed away. He hurt me like so much..and the wounds are open again..twice as deep. 

I remember every single freakin thing that he last said to me...everything. And you know what? He never said anything good...I mean...like.."I love you..don't leave me." No. He blamed me for everything. Everything. I wasn't doing something right. I didn't deserve him. I'm worthless. Everything's my fault and alot of other hateful stuff.

 

Yeah. Alot of that got into my head..and it's still there. And..this is to all of my friends..I'm sorry that I can't just get over that right now..I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I can't just say he was wrong about everything. I just can't o that right now.

 

So..what all happened today?

 

Well..today I woke up feeling okay..really okay...and then I got in the car..and as I was going down the road..I noticed the sunrise..it was different..it was like...pink and orange..and the sun was just different. And then at school..I felt like crying so much today from everything..and I was just there...screaming...and trying to remain calm at the same time..and it seemed like alot of people in my french and algebra class was just trying to push those buttons..and I ended up crying in French..and then mom got me out of school at 2:10..and we got my permit..yes..I got my permit..and then she says "It's because your Aunt Rickey was watching over you..today's her birthday."

 

Yeah. Like that was really going to help me. I felt like..at peace...right then..and then we were calling people telling them that I got my permit..and then we found out that my uncle might've had a stroke. So, we went up to the hospital, and found out it was a TIA..a mini stroke..and so we left when we knew he was going to be okay..then about 8ish we got a call saying he'd been transferred to another hospital..and he'd had another mini stroke. 

I don't know how bad or wahtever..

But today wasn't a good day..

I'm just..dealing with alot..and I'm doing my best to figure out alot..

But this is out to my friends that are there(IE: LeAnne, Connie, and Courtney, Lilian and Anna):

I love you..very much. I'm so glad that I have you as a friend..as a sister. You mean alot to me..and I'm glad that I have you there..to help me back up when I fall down. I know...I havn't been that happy lately..and I'm trying...I'm trying..I'm just going through alot..but please know..I love you...and I'm glad that I have you in my life. I can come and talk to you at any time..without being judged. You're just..there for me and a whole lot of other things that I'll go into details about when you read this because I'm just..I don't know. But I love you. And I'm glad I have you. 







So...over all............................I've just got to say..I've got a few angels that are watching after me..and they all know who they are...and I do to..


It's just been an emotional day.

I don't know what's been up with me lately..my emotions have been like..all over the place and I hate it. I just..I don't know. 

I'm like..feeling like no one needs me anymore. I've been real quiet at school....I don't know why. I just..can't really smile anymore. There's like..very little to smile about anymore. 

I've got my friends..yeah..
I've got mine and my best friend's roleplay site....yeah
I've got my characters..
I've got my writing..


I just..dont' know anymore. I feel like there's something missing..like there's this part of me that's missing..and I can't find it..and no one can find it. It's just...missing. 

Last night..I was like..crying for no reason...and I have no clue what the freak is wrong anymore..and that's just..scaring me. Maybe its because October is coming up..

Ah yes..October...

I've been thinking about September 11th like...all week this week. I've asked myself several times...where was I on September 11th? I can answer it...correctly. Then there's that one part...where were my parents on September 11th, six years ago? Well, that's when I answer it like this.......Dad was at Work...mom was at Baptist Hospital...with my grandmother. 

I think that's what's up...I'm not really wanting September to end..because it's been six years since my grandmother died..maybe..maybe that's what's wrong. It's getting close to the anniversary of my grandmother's death. 

My Grandfather held on for like..so long after my grandmother had died..and I know..he's up there..with her..dancing in the clouds to their wedding song..acting silly....

It just..hurts. Everything just..hurts. I keep doing what I can to try to make me feel something else other than pain..and nothing works. Nothing. 

You know..sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe. I do my best to keep everything inside..you know? I seriously try my best to act like i'm fine..and like nothing's wrong. But...it doesn't work.

 

Two of my friends, LeAnne and Connie...they can tell when something's wrong...even though I keep saying "I'm fine..nothing's wrong..I'm fine...I promise..see? I'm smiling?" Even though I've got this stupid fake smile on my face..they see right through it. Some of my friends can't tell the difference between the fake smiles and the real ones..but they do..and it scares me.

 

I'm just..doing my best to keep going on. It's just getting like so hard not to just sleep forever. It scares me at times..I do my best to stay up and to never go to sleep because I'm scared I'm never going to wake up again if I fall asleep..and then when I wake up the next morning..I'm crying..and I don't want to get out of bed.

 

I'm scared of telling everyone this..though..I can sit here..and type it in my online journal. I can sit here..typing it in her..telling people I don't even know that I need help..when I can't even tell the ones I know so very much.. "Hey..look..stop for a minute..everything's not fine...I'm not okay.."

 

Yeah..I know some of my friends are going to get mad about this post..because I'm here..telling them online what I can't say over the phone..or over IM..and I can't even look them in the eye and say..but I don't know why I can't. I don't. I just..can't.

 

I just..dont know much about anything anymore. I'm not depressed..Im not..I havn't reached that point. I'm just..sad. That's the only thing I really do know. I can't even make up my mind with what to do when it comes to my roleplay characters.

 

Speaking of Which...

Theres this one character of mine...I named her Rhea. I created her five years ago..and I've watched as her personality has grown. I love to roleplay because at times..it can be my escape..from everything. But Rhea..that's one character I can say is truly real...yeah..I know the whole "RP Characters are just a form of your imagination" thing..but Rhea's different. I'm protective over that character more than others because well..she's personal. In a different way...she's me.

 

And it's sad..because I can't like..make up any decisions for her..because I'm indecisive..and she like..never has a break for anything. It's like..depending on my mood..something happens. If I'm in a good, happy mood...she's in a good, happy mood. If I'm looking for someone to care about me..or if I'm just looking for someone to show me that they care...while I feel like no one does..then she's in some kind of love thread. If I feel like I do today...then something bad normally happens to her. I swear to God..if she was real..she'd come out and kill me for puttinng her through everything.

 

I don't know. I know..I've got a few people worried..and I'm sorry..but I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to fix me. Me.

No, I'm not selfish..though I feel like it. Yeah, I'm kind..even though I think I'm this horrible bitch. People are telling me I have this sweet and gentle heart...and I can't see that. So..I've got a question..how come everyone else can see everything about me...other than the fact that I'm feeling empty and I feel like something's missing..and I can't?

Yeah..I know...I'm doing my best not to be so negative..but I just..don't know anymore. It's like there's just..nothing left for me.

I don't know..I'm just...I don't know.

 

Maybe I am truly losing my mind.

I'm seriously serious about giving up. 
I'm tired of it. 
I'm tired of feeling so much pain. 
i'm tired of everything being okay for a while
And then all of a sudden everything shattering. 
I'm tired of wanting to break over and over again
I'm just plain tired. 

I was searching Xanga today, and I found this REALLY good quote I loved. 
It describes what I mean so perfectly. 

its not up to me anymore.
if you want me in your life,
youll find a way to put me there.